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It is totAlly unnecessary to put a PM after 23:00.
When people say they did something "like a boss" I just picture them doing it fatter and with less hair
I just want to buy an old Mercedes Benz,so people will think I have been rich for a long time.
There`s no life problem that a good "F*ck this shit" can`t solve.
Sometimes I wanna copy someone´s status word for word and see if they notice.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one.
If a man doesn`t drink when he`s living, how in the hell can he drink when he`s dead?
Water is life; without it we wouldn’t have coffee, whiskey or beer.
Relationships are like yard sales. They look good from a distance, but once you get there it`s just a bunch of sh!t you don`t really need.
Your things are terrific.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Yet another advantage of being single. All I bring to Thanksgiving is empty Tupperware...
I`m not sure who`s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
I hate when I`m about to hug someone really sexy, and my face hits the mirror.
Fitness? More like, fitness whole pizza in my mouth.