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Ladies - I am still available as a great last minute Christmas gift!
Some of my ideas are about as profitable as selling YOLO T-Shirts at a Reincarnation seminar
Nothing says “I don’t give a sh!t” like a Hawaiian shirt.
I`m pretty sure if someone broke into my house, my dog would just show them how much he likes to lick his balls
I hate that feeling when you feel you wrote something good on facebook and then nobody likes your status. Depressing... :(
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket .. I´d miss you alot and think of you often.
I’m so broke this New Years Im gonna party like its $19.99.
There is no angry way to say `bubbles.`
that annoying manager who thinks they are god ... you are not ... you are a douche box
Hey, guy from the gym with lifting gloves still on, you can take them off now, you`re in Starbucks.
My 17yo pretends he doesn`t understand how the washer works when I ask him to do the laundry Congrats, you`re finally a man
WebMD auto dialed an ambulance when I entered my chicken nugget intake.
I hope my liquor store is having an after Christmas sale!!
I only say "bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume it didn`t take and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.
Driving a Dodge doesn`t automatically make you a defensive driver.