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That awkward moment when You accidentally hit the LIKE button During Facebook stalking.
Birth Control Pills should be for men. It makes much more sense to unload a gun than to shoot at a bulletproof vest.
You don’t look like 200 likes in person.
I’m that kind of person who between two choices always pick the wrong one.
On Mondays I like to reply to all my bosses emails with `unsubscribe`
All you single ladies, please stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don`t subject an innocent cat to a life with you.
If I`m guilty of anything, it`s loving too much. And several outstanding speeding tickets. But mostly loving too much.
Job interview `What is your biggest weakness?` `Honesty` `I don`t think honesty is a weakness` `I don`t give a flying *#(@ what you think!`
What I lack in sex appeal I make up in staying home and drinking.
When it comes to f*cking around, I don`t f*ck around.
I wish I was full of tacos instead of feelings.
I wonder if monsters ever get scared that we might be hiding under their bed?
Now tell me how old your baby is in hours.
A fun way to "Break up" is to tell them to "Go long" and then never throw them the football.
“I’m going to be a little bit late” -people that are going to be very late