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The moment you stop giving a damn is the moment things get easier and better.
My inner child is a drunken whore
Have we considered putting Scooby Doo and the gang on the Malaysian airplane caper?
Facebook should win an Emmy for Best Daytime Dramas.
When the sign says: DO NOT TOUCH I read: Touch when nobody is looking.
I really worry about which selfie my family would put on the news if I ever went missing.
I was going to do stand up comedy years ago but then I thought ...Ugghhh, standing...
Monday :`( Tuesday :-( Wednesday :- Thursday :-/ Friday :-| Saturday :-) Sunday B-)
Guys, if you buy ANY woman clothing, & you don’t get her a size S with a gift receipt, you’re an a$$hole.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
I tried sniffing coke once but the ice cubes kept getting sucked in my nose!
I don’t think I get enough credit for doing everything I do while being unmedicated.
I got in touch with my inner child and the little sh!t hung up on me.
I usually want to post intelligent and witty comments. But I end up posting stupid and funny ones so my friends can understand them.
DO NOT expect a "Bless You" after your 3rd sneeze. Get that sh!t under control.