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Behind every man there is a woman wondering if going to jail for murder is as bad as it sounds.
Will be drunk until further notice.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
If life gives you lemons make grape juice than lay back and watch people wondering how you did it;)
I drink because people talk.
I think Facebook is the Malaysian plane of the internet. No one on here has been seen by their family in weeks.
I`m tired of things costing money
Holiday Tip #236: When hosting a covered dish holiday dinner where everyone brings something, never put a skinny person in charge of desserts.
If you`re having second thoughts, you`re 2 ahead of most people.
Geez....Why do they only make hand creams that smell feminine? Why can`t they they make one with a masculine scent? Something like Doritos or WD-40?
At what age is it appropriate to tell my friends that they`re imaginary?
You know you`re an alcoholic when the only Holiday cards that you get are from your neighborhood pubs.
USB sounds like a backup in case the USA fails.
My new diet plan consists of multiple naps. Because you can`t stuff your face when you`re sleeping.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks