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Ended a relationship today. Don`t worry, it wasn`t mine.
Gas prices are a lot like girls: We just wish they would go down.
Maybe vodka is addicted to me
really vry funny
I think the guy who invented the word kumquats should have gotten to name more stuff!
Is there ever a day when mattresses are not on sale?
There is no number for what just happened in that bathroom.
No one is as ugly as their driver`s license, and nobody is attractive as their profile picture.
Sometimes I get in this weird mood where I find everyone annoying. But it only happens when I’m awake.
This beer sure tastes like I`m on vacation next week!
Forecast for tonight: Alcohol, low standards, and poor decisions.
"No! Don`t leave me! I need you! Nooooo!" I say as my laptop cords slowly slides off my bed onto the floor.
Just saw a guy checking out my wife. Good luck buddy. I’m married to her and I don’t even have a chance.
Every Girls Night Out has at least one crier.
I don`t drink to feel better about myself. I drink to feel better about being with you