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I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Nothing is more discouraging that unappreciated sarcasm.
People – the most gentle, loving, kind, sympathetic, peaceful and caring creatures in the world. Especially when they need something from you.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
If you ever want to know what you look like to the world, don’t look in a mirror, have a child draw you.
Teacher: Why are you late!? Me: There was a man who lost a $100 bill..Teacher: That’s nice. Were you helping him look for it? Me: No, I was standing on it until he f*cked off.
Was that lightning? ... No, they`re taking pictures for Google Earth.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that`s my cat and we`re not done with our accupuncture session.
you know hes a keeper when you know his facebook login and password!
The only thing my girlfriend blows is everything out of proportion.
The fact that this peanut butter jar states that it "Contains Peanuts" makes me extremely nervous for the human race.
I have the ability to drive people crazy. I`m not sure if I was born with it or if I learned it. But damn am I great at it.
The Best Excuse given by a Lady for Missing Work ! "My husband took an overdose of Viagra.....Couldn`t leave him alone with the Maid"
It would be so cool to be able to see an album of all the pictures you’ve accidentally photobombed in public.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 300,000 times, well then you`re probably a weatherman.