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There’s a wild side to EVERY innocent face.
How do they put the "do not walk on the grass" signs up?
People with 1 syllable names ruin the happy birthday song
Felt like being Bad today, like an Outlaw Bad, felt like doing something illegal, so I ran through the house ripping off all the Mattress Tags..... Come and get me Coppers, but you won`t take me alive.......................
I have a kid in Africa I inoculate, feed, clothe and send to school for only $1 day. It cost a lot to send him over there though.
This might be my ego talking, but I feel my weight-loss spambot followers care about me. They really, really, do.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Have you ever noticed how people who play candy crush are always saying they need a life?
"Lets hang out sometime" -liars.
I wish I could afford to have a drinking problem.
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it`s AM. Google thinks I`ve got my life together.
At funerals instead of crying, I tie the dead person’s shoe laces together. It’s not stupid. What if he comes back as a zombie?
You know it`s been a good night when you wake up and see bite marks on the walls...
Don`t judge a man by how low his pants hang below his a$$...just kidding, that`s a great reason to judge someone.
I love giving orders. My favorite is "Another one. And make it a double."