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The loudest possible way to open a bag of chips is to try and do it quietly.
I don`t really want to make bad choices; but I`m always late, and all the good choices are already taken..
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
If you can´t afford to go on vacation, you can always drink until you don´t know where you are.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
My mom wanted to talk to me about my maturity today, but she didn`t know the password to my secret fort.
Going to one of those places where you chop down your own Christmas tree, and then try to get away before they catch you.
I was planning to do something today, but I haven’t finished doing nothing from yesterday.
When I`m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they`re safe
Three words to ruin a woman`s ego. "I can`t tell."
Waitress: `Do u have any questions about the menu?` Me: `What kind of font is this?`
Clapping: Repeatedly high-fiving yourself for someone else`s accomplishments.
Remember ... I can always make it look like an accident.
Win every argument simply by repeating your opponent`s last sentence in a whiny voice.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.