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I send more time looking for porn than actually watching it.
Always have faith and believe in yourself…well because..the rest of us think you’re an idiot!
The closest I got to a 4.0 at university… was my blood alcohol level!
Birthday sex is just like regular sex but you are dissapointed that more people didn`t come.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school] "It doesn`t matter if its a dog, it`s still called a cat scan"
This skinny girl just told me she "forgets" to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it`s contagious.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk while it´s still snowing
the kids next door have challenged me to a water balloon fight. just updating my status while waiting on the water to boil.
A few bad decisions really liven up a boring day.
Touch my food and suffer the consequences.
My credit card company called. They want me to leave home without it.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
pens and pencils are drumsticks and desks and textbooks are drum kits. its a fact.
Given enough coffee, I believe I could rule the world.
Women say all men are dogs, but fail to realize that dogs are the most loyal creatures in the world if you treat them right.