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Sometimes I like to go to the hardware store and run around with a screwdriver shouting, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill!"
If my superpower was to be able to stop time, I`d totally use it to take a nap without people noticing.
I’m in my dentist’s waiting room practicing my lies about flossing.
I am looking at this online special deal at Disneyworld and thinking no, my kids can annoy me just fine right here at home.
Yes, I know how to shut up. I just don´t know when.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Every time I see a safety warning on a product I can`t help think to myself how natural selection has failed us once again...
So another day has come and gone and I still haven`t used algebra
Stop waiting for the perfect moment. Take a moment and make that sh!t perfect.
My mind says go to the gym but my heart says food.
Well, Thanks to SAMSUNG, flat screens are no longer `Flat`.
Word of the day is bishop: My aunt fell down the stairs and I had to pick the bishop.
This is supposed to be funny but I got nothing but do me a favour and like this...Yeah, okay, IM DESPERATE -.-
Today I heard a guy on the street say, `It`s chowder season, baby!` so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words
Hand sanitizer: the cut finder.