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I have this condition that prevents me from going on a diet. I get hungry.
Roses are red Your thong is pink Cover that up You`re not as hot as you think.
Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant
Why don’t television shows say, “You will be delighted to know that this program contains strong sexual content?”
in 2014 there were times when I annoyed you, disturbed you, irritated you and bugged the hell out of you. Today i wanna let you know that i planned to continue with it this year :-)
Saying "I`m offended" is basically telling the world you can`t control your own emotions so everyone else should do it for you.
Today I made sushi at home for the first time. I subsituted a hotdog for the raw tuna, a bun for the rice, and mustard for the wasabi!
Silence is golden but duct tape is silver.
I was watching craps at the casino all night until security finally dragged me out of the bathroom.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Last night I was drunk and asked a cat if it could talk. It said, “Me? How?”
Some people never go crazy...... What truly horrible lives they must live
Be careful when you`re watching a movie with your wife. You`re gonna get blamed for whatever the guy in the movie does.
If your conspiracy theory doesn`t involve cats and dogs, don`t bother me.
Send me one more game request and I`m showing up at your house drunk, at 4am, naked and demanding a game of Twister