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Girls don`t dress for guys, they dress for themselves. If they dressed for guys they would be naked all the time
Attention fuels immaturity
Miley Cyrus could never live in the kind of cold we`re having here. Can you imagine all the poles her tounge would get stuck to?
I didn`t text you. Vodka texted you.
I`m so broke, if somebody tried to rob me right now, they would just be practicing.
Iām eating just in case I get hungry later
Trying to figure out how to ask a girl on a first date of Netflix and pizza without sounding all serial killery
Your a$$ must be jealous everytime sh*t comes out of your mouth.
Having a bit of a lazy day! I`m sitting in my underwear looking for better jobs online ... My boss doesn`t look amused.
Do people with cats not know about dogs?
Sorry I missed your call. I took too long to answer because I was dancing to the ringtone.
I looked up "thesaurus" in my thesaurus and it says "Don`t be a smart-a$$".
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out fine. And you know what else? Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out fine.
If only there was a way to voice a highly uneducated opinion to thousands of people on a regular basis