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Look, all I`m saying is, you never see Nikki Manaj and E.T. in the same place at the same time.
I bet Waldo’s parents are worried sick.
I just got gas for $1.79... Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell.
I enjoy shopping online because at least I don`t have to act all shocked when my credit card gets declined.
I drive everywhere but for some reason my shoes still wear out, it’s like there’s just no reward for laziness.
My neighbors look at me in a very weird way.. it’s like they never saw a guy with binoculars before.
I`m late on the give thanks every day in November thing... so let me catch up. Days 1-22. I`m thankful for boobs
Friendships must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.
"I’m not drunk!” is an argument only very drunk people think they can win
Spread happiness by smiling at a stranger today, or flash them your boobs...... Strangers love boobs!
If you can´t read this, you´re illiterate.
People often say laughter is the best medicine, but they neglect to mention that an overdose can cause one’s ass to fall off.
The push-up bra: the strangely acceptable female equivalent of a rolled up sock stuffed in men`s underwear.
The mailman just delivered an 8-track of Boz Skaggs Greatest Hits. I guess this fulfills my Columbia House obligation.
If you read my entire Facebook timeline from the beginning, you can witness my descent into madness