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I`ll never have a kid as cool as the one my parents did…
I did absolutely nothing today and did it well!!!
The olympics is the only time when you hear "Great execution by North Korea" and it seems okay.
No matter how old you are ... swingsets are cool.
Before I die I`m going to eat a bag of popcorn kernels. My cremation should be spectacular.
If you think your wife is crazy now. Wait untill you divorce her.
My favorite all time cooking shows: 1. Iron Chef 2. Hell`s Kitchen 3. Breaking bad
If I don’t talk to myself, who will?
Did you know that doughnuts make your clothes shrink?
People say that 60 is the new 40. The cop who pulled me over didn`t agree.
Girls with tattoos on your tits, Why? We`re already looking at them.
The key to eating healthy is to avoid any food that has a TV commercial.
Why don`t family members send me money for my birthday anymore? I need it now more than when I was 7
Ever since I installed AdBlock, all the single ladies in my area seemed to have lost interest.
Facebook is a lot like a fridge. When you`re bored you keep opening and closing it every couple of minutes to see if there`s anything good, but nothing ever changes :b