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Unfortunately, showing that much cleavage doesn`t fix your face.
When people tell me "you`re going to regret that in the morning" I sleep in until noon because I`m a problem solver
When someone asks if you lost weight, the correct response is always, "no, it just seems like it to you because you got fatter."
How come know-it-alls don`t know how annoying they are?
My doctor is getting really tired of me asking if the stuff I see in commercials is right for me.
What do they give the person that has everything? antibiotics
I`d do anything to lose 20lbs. Well, except for eating healthy or working out.
We are guaranteed "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness". So, why did happiness get a Lamborghini and I got a `74 Pinto?????
If watching the big-screen TV with your pants off and a bag of Doritos is wrong, then they shouldn`t have couches at this Best Buy.
My son said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7,,, and now I`m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Over half the contacts in my phone are named “Do Not Answer”
I`m that friend you have to explain to people before you introduce me... And apologize for after.
I mostly use Facebook to remember why I stopped hanging out with certain people.
~WARNING~ I will more than likely offend you at some point in time
Sometimes I do totally awesome and amazing things just to throw people off.