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True laziness is being excited when plans get canceled.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it`s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach`s.
The reason good men are hard to find is because they`re usually too busy working.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself: "I`m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute."
If I wasn`t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn`t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
No, I’m not funny. I’m just really mean and everyone thinks I’m joking.
At this point in life, my greatest chance of having a threesome will be sex with a schizophrenic.
My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I`m pretty sure she was hitting on me.
Any person can be nice to my face, but it takes a real friend to be nice behind my back.
For lent, I`m giving up sexual innuendos but it`s hard... so hard!
Saw a bug crawling on my arm and my reaction can only be described as “grabbing for swirling dollars inside a plexiglas Cash Cube.”
I used to be a kleptomaniac but now I take something for it.
If the Sahara Desert had a motto it would be "Long time, no sea."
Champagne says I`m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
When will they start calling marijuana dispenseries grass stations?