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Whenever I’m bored I stop a stranger and ask “where am I?” and whatever they say I runaway screaming “Hahaha I’m a genius! I can teleport!”
If it`s true that opposites attract, I should be looking for someone that gets up early and does stuff
I hate it when people come to MY house, knock on MY door then have the nerve to ask me why I`m not wearing pants.
So another day has come and gone and I still haven`t used algebra.
This bulk box of peanuts I got from Costco tastes like styrofoam.
I choked on a carrot this afternoon and all I could think was "I bet a cupcake wouldn`t have done this to me."
My innocent look never works in the nude.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Condoms prevent minivans.
A young man gets sent to jail,and gets put into a jail cell with a convict the size of the Incredible Hulk. After lights out, he hears a whisper from the top bunk."Let`s play Mommy and Daddy. Who do you wanna be?" Thinking quick, the man says "daddy." "Then come up here and suck Mommy`s d!ck."
It`s funny how my car drives slower on the way to work, than when I`m on my way home.
You can always tell a lot about a woman the way she pours gasoline around your car.
Your screenshots of text message conversations tell me: 1. you have a great sense of humor 2. to never trust you
Curling irons have a warning tag that says “For External Use Only.” Which of you sick mofos made that necessary?
When someone hands you a flyer, it’s like they’re saying here you throw this away.