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All women are bad for me. At least that`s what my wife says.
I called one of those numbers in the bathroom stall and my wife answered. Very funny guys.
You can`t find happiness at the bottom of a beer ... Well no kidding, who is happy when their beer runs out?
You question whether you are getting old when your barber asks if your eyebrows need trimming, and you know it when he does it without asking
Apparently you have to go to the gym more than once to get in shape, what the heck.
I’m mad, but not as mad as someone asking to see the rules in the middle of a monopoly game.
Much of my life is a contest to see which of the voices in my head can say the funniest stuff.
There`s a reason why natural disasters have female names.
It only takes a second to show someone how you feel. The police call it “Indecent Exposure” but whatever.
People must stop questioning my sanity, it wont answer them.
I spent yesterday painting some kickass flames on a car. I bet whoever owns it was stoked when they came out of the mall.
Starting tomorrow: Whatever Life throws at me… I’m gonna duck so it hits someone else.
You ever wonder why wearing no underwear is called “going commando”? It seems to me it wouldn’t be useful in a combat situation.
A lot of people don`t know this, but you can quietly like or dislike Obama.
If you want to take a bank teller out on a date, just ask her. Don`t slip her a note at the window. Trust me on this.