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I like the part of the day where we eat the food.
Attention!! Today I am traveling back in time to right some wrongs in this world. You will know I succeeded if the Germans lost WW2 and that Thursday comes before Wednesday.
I`ve always wondered how the job application process at Hooters works. Do they give you a bra and orange shorts and say, "Here, can you fill these both out"?
I wouldn`t mind being alone with my thoughts, if I didn`t know them all so well.
I walked into a bar in my pirate suit and a ships wheel in my pants.... The bartender asked... "Why do you have a wheel in your pants"? I replied "Argh.. it`s driving me nuts".
I don`t know what is longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
is pondering why people have a favorite color M&M when they all taste the same!
Always believe a woman when she says, "you don`t really wanna know"
Pork is awesome, but it`s best when used as a verb.
I have a black belt in leather
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
We are hosting a charity concert for people who struggle to reach orgasm. If you can’t come, let me know.
My friend said the only vegetable that could make him cry was an onion. That was before I hit him in the face with a watermelon.
I read that India launched a rocket to Mars the other day. That seems like a strange place to put a call center?