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A wise man once said nothing.
There’s too much blood in my caffeine system
I went to Alcoholics Anonymous last week. The first thing they told me to do was to stop hanging around other alcoholics. So I stopped going.
My wife just opened a jar of pickles by herself and I can`t help but think that my days around here are numbered...
Helpful Tip: When your wife ask whats on TV, don`t say dust.
I hate when you offer someone a sincere complement on their mustache...and then she won`t talk to you anymore.
When I have to make a difficult decision in life I think what would grandma do, then I leave home in my nightie & shout at random strangers.
Just printed out 50 copies of today`s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I`m just not in the mood for small talk.
I really think there should be a separate driving lane for those of us running solely on caffeine and rage.
Is it annoying when people answer their own questions? Yes it is. Do I wish they would stop? Absolutely.
Where is the "Made In China" labels made?
These energy drinks make sitting on the couch so much more exciting.
If your cat has a Facebook page, we can`t be friends.
If you ring my door bell you better be the pizza guy or a sexy naked lady ... with a pizza.
When a woman asks you for your opinion all she really wants to hear is her opinion repeated word for word but in your voice.