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Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
The cool thing about The Clapper is it doubles as a strobe light during s@x.
I’m eating just in case I get hungry later
Before Google, I averaged 220 Snapple bottles before I found the answer.
?"Oh! Oh! Oh!" Dyslexic Santa
People are making Rapture jokes like there`s no tomorrow.....
You can tell a man`s age by how close their socks are to their knees.
"The more the merrier": My excuse for extra food.
I dated this musician who used to play songs for me over the phone. Then I realized he was just putting me on hold.
My head hurts, I think my horns are coming in...
Hard liquor because I don`t don`t have time or patience to sit around drinking 9 bottles of wine every day
Offering a hobo $5 from across the street is my version of Frogger.
If a girl picks an iron in monopoly you know she`s a keeper
Whoever said you can’t “like” your own status is just not awesome enough to do it.