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Why are there stitch marks on zombies? Who the heck is giving them medical attention?!
If you don`t have anything nice to say I would probably enjoy spending time with you
I can still remember a time when I knew more than my phone
I wrote a song about a tortilla actually its more of a wrap.
Don`t give me a sec, give me lots of secs.
My dog’s ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I’d like it to be.
Apparently some strangers don’t need a hug.
99.9% of lol’s are lies.
I give great marriage advice if you want to be divorced.
I`m starting to think that all those hours in school, when I practiced writing my autograph, was just a waste of time.....
I believe in love at first sight or as science calls it, "boners."
This guy at the gym just did four sets of selfies.
Nice try, self-checkout lane. There`s not even any mirrors.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I`m not sure what it means.