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If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors and all of them got laid.
Only thing harder than quitting cold turkey is quitting warm ham. It`s delicious.
Love is grand. Divorce is 100 grand.
"Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated." Thank you news-anchor. It`s my first summer.
People who say `expresso` instead of `espresso,` may I axe you to please stop? Thanx.
Whoever said, "All men are created equal", has obviously never been to a nude beach
Sarcasm is like a good game of chess. Most people don`t know how to play chess.
Nothing ruins a perfectly good mood like reality.
I don`t post a lot of personal statuses - but when I do it`s all about you ..
Are there actually people who get out of the shower to pee? I want to meet them.
The biggest cause of cancer in mice is research.
"I went to Jared" I whispered as she slowly opened the velvety box of Subway coupons.
I just discovered my oven CAN CLEAN ITSELF! Naturally I will be searching my apartment looking for similar buttons.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
I hate spelling errors so much. You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined....