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I thought about going outside and doing something today but my Wi-Fi really doesn’t reach very far.
We spend 33% of our life sleeping, 33% wanting to be asleep and the rest apologizing to women.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I`m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
On a scale of 1 to "Get out you`re fired" where does napping at work rank?
The problem is not the problem, the problem is your attitude about the problem.
Own the day
I act like Pacman at parties. I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
I wonder what its like to fart in zero gravity. Does it like...propel you forward? These are things people need to know NASA
Somehow I`m not nearly as overjoyed with this vegetable slicer as the woman on the infomercial was.
I react to "Someone has tagged a photo of you..." in the same way I react to a doctor saying, "Your test results came back..."
Destiny may decide who touches your Life. Your heart may decide who touches your Soul. But…Tequila decides who touches your body
People are way less judgmental when you say you had an "avocado salad" instead of saying you ate a bowl of guacamole.
If you were a cookie, you’d be a whoreo.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee`s you`re buying it off of sure can.
Why is "Pissed" an expression of being upset? I`ve never been so mad that I pee`d myself.