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I`ve got this great new drinking game where you take a shot every time you want to get more drunk.
One day you will meet someone so amazing in every way who will want absolutely nothing to do with you.
There is no number for what just happened in that bathroom.
I hope someone drives slightly slower in front of you on a crowded highway and you can’t pass.
I’m drinking because you’re talking.
I`ve been around the block a few times, but then my neighbor realized I was drunk and helped me into my house.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
There`s a word for people like you and that word is "leave."
The internet has made me so ADD. Started off googling "how to replace a timing belt" ended up watching a video on how to milk a camel.
The toughest thing in business is minding your own.
This guy at the gym just did four sets of selfies.
I once dated a woman who thought windmills were solar powered. I`m so glad I don`t drink anymore.
I usually want to post intelligent and witty comments. But I end up posting stupid and funny ones so my friends can understand them.
There better be strippers & beer at my intervention because there is no way in hell I`m sitting through that sober.
Honking your horn is fun but rolling down your window and screaming “honk” at people is just way more satisfying.