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Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have diarrhea!
I found $80 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy Nerf guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, Nerf guns and candy".
The problem is I have just enough money to get into trouble but not enough to make bail.
I wish Noah would have swatted those two mosquitoes.
You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.
Just think of me as the guy next door. With a telescope.
I like how Sesame Street just casually has a vampire hanging around.
They say you need about 2000 calories a day. Ok, time to do math. 65 calories in one fluid ounce of Jack Daniel`s means i need 30 shots tonight.
There’s always that last setting on your windshield wipers that makes you go “damn, calm the f*ck down!”
Their bedroom door is closed. I better walk in there for no reason. - kids
Bacon...need I say more
Go ahead, post sober. Ruin everything.
GAL: Would you keep me in your heart forever? BOY: Nop! GAL: (sadly)...why? BOY: Because then you`ll occupy only one part of me...but i`ll keep you in my heart, mind & let you complete me.
Ummm,, Can we just admit we may have taken this anybody can grow up to be President thing a bit too far.
"Are u going to the circus?" is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife`s question: "how does my make-up look?"