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Got a problem with me? I’m pretty sure a status on Facebook won’t fix it.
Patience is not about how long you can wait, but how well you behave while waiting.
Why did you have to take a half naked picture in front of a full length mirror to show off your new haircut?
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Why do people ask “What the hell were you thinking?” Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Most of my thoughts have been coming from a very dark place lately. That`s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember all the things I was suppose to do.
I would not mind living next to a serial killer. They never kill the neighbor. He`s the one that`s always on the news later saying "He was a quite guy, never really talked to anyone." Wait a minute ... I don`t talk to my neighbors!
All fortune cookies should just read, "You will have diarrhea for the next 24 hours.
It’s getting really annoying how eating makes you gain weight..
Did a 5k today. Except it was how many calories I had at lunch.
Good news: I learned how to build a fire. Bad news: I need a new toaster oven.
A woman’s anger is like a check engine light; there’s no pleasant way to determine what caused it, so just ignore it and hope it goes away.
Leave a comment if you`ve started drinking. Hit the `Like` button if you`re already sh!tfaced. *Cheers*