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Olympic Mens Ice Hockey USA vs Canada. Loser keeps Justin Bieber.
I`m bringing sexy back...if I only I can remember where I had it last....
"Dont make me regret this!" is something I say to myself every time I accept a facebook friendship from a relative.
Married people always ask when you’re getting married like they get points for recruiting to their club of misery.
Things that keep me awake # 408...How do Amish girls know if it’s a romantic candlelit dinner or just regular dinner?
I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow but I’m going to be too busy sitting on mine
When life gives you lemons... all you need is tequila (and salt).
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down post at night, so far I have: Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
I can`t relate to people who "forget to eat"
Boss: "Are you texting?" Me: "No, I`m Tweeting." Boss: "What`s the difference?" Me: "Texting would imply that I have friends."
Pulling out a winter coat and going through the pockets to find out who I was 8 months ago.
Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck.
Unless you are selling Thin Mints, don’t ever knock on my door.
Honestly, I have no idea what I would even do with 5 hours of energy.
Sarcasm is a body`s natural defense against stupid people