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"IT`S A BOY" I shouted, tears rolling down my face "I DON`T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!" It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
I don’t have bumper stickers because I don’t believe in anything strongly enough to potentially get my car keyed.
Why fall in love when you can fall asleep?
Nothing says poor life choices like the guy with the half smoked cigarette behind his ear
sometimes... late at night... i rearrange traffic signs. people need to be challenged.
Kinda surprised I`m not an action figure by now.
Go to China on honeymoon. Get intimate with Husband. Tell child that they were "Made in China."
I was going to do a time travelling joke but you guys didn`t like it.
Remember bad decisions make the best stories!!!
Being gay is fine. Being lesbian is fine. Being straight is fine. But do you know what’s not fine? Wearing crocs. That is NOT okay
Sometimes when my phones at 5% battery life I call back all the people I didn`t want to talk too.
I asked my wife what women really want, she said attentive lovers. Or maybe she said "a tent of lovers." I wasn`t really listening.
Dear women at Walmart with 6 screaming kids: if your wondering how that box of condoms got in your cart.... Your welcome!
It`s a bird.. it`s a plane..no wait..it`s a blade of grass....
To all my ex girlfriends. Don`t worry. I`m still an asshole.