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Did anyone hear the one about the cross dresser? The happiest day in his life was when he finally got into his girlfriend`s pants.
Me: "Why do all the people I love leave me?!" UPS Guy: "Please Mam, just sign"
Adding lyrics when you don`t know the words or making words up when you don`t speak the language. ;)
Sorry I wasn’t ignoring you I was just watching 7 seasons and 54 episodes of this new show I found.
When a woman says, "I`m NOT crazy" *clapping her palms together per syllable* That`s universal for, "You`re going to die."
I`m easily influenced... That`s why I try not to watch too much porn
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe. It didn`t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief.
I haven`t talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn`t want to interrupt her.
Just once I want my boss to assume I`m tired in the morning because I fight crime all night, not because of all the booze I drank.
I just want you to be happy…and maybe a little bit naked.
You can lead a horse to water but I`d rather ride it to the liquor store.
I don’t call it laying down anymore, I call it landscape mode.
My head has that drunk on cheap alcohol feel without me getting to actually drink the alcohol :(
Remembering to remember is always the first thing I forget.