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I`m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Ever gotten that awkward feeling? ..like the one when you realize you`re chewing on a BORROWED pencil?
Alcohol. Because who really wants to remember last night?
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Blockbuster sell sweets and ice cream to go with your DVD rental - who the hell wants to rent sweets and ice cream?
Who ever said, "The customer is always right", clearly never worked with the public a day in their life.
When I was a kid, I told my parents I was going to make something of myself. I think they are getting impatient.
Some people are like Polaroids. You have to shake them violently before they make any sense.
If you`re feeling powerless just remember a single one of your turds can shut down an entire water park.
Efficiency: skip your morning, wake up in the afternoon.
I never cry over spilt milk. But, beer? That sh!t`s totally different.
Some people are grateful for the impact you made in their life…. It’s not me, I think you’re a pr!ck.
Turns out a crash diet doesn`t mean having vodka with every meal and falling down the stairs!
I just wanna find a girl who loves me for my money. That way I wouldn`t feel bad for loving her for her body.
It`s like my pastor always says, "Who are you and why are you stealing wine?"