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I miss the good old days when we blamed Marilyn Manson for all our problems.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until the creepy guy from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Dear automatic flushing toilet. I appreciate the enthusiasm, but I wasn`t quite finished...
I’ll drink responsibly when there is a brand of vodka named Responsibly.
Technically, I don`t have to do anything until my wife wakes up and realizes I`m not doing anything.
My kids are the reason I wake up every morning. Really freaking early. Every...Single...Morning...
I was going to get a lot of stuff done tonight, but I didn`t. Because, you know...beer.
When in darkness, pray. If you pray and nothing happens, I think it is the high time you paid your electricity bill.
I have the worst case of morning sickness. No I am not pregnant, my body just rejects mornings.
These spaghetti-o`s taste like I don`t get paid until tomorrow.
Why do we even ask rhetorical questions?
I don`t know why it`s necessary to get a glass dirty, when wine tastes perfectly fine straight out of the bottle.
FYI: I`m never gonna tell the person I`m meeting up with that you said hi.
You can always tell if a guy masturbates a lot by looking at his hands. If you look closely, you’ll see a wedding ring.
When will they start calling marijuana dispenseries grass stations?