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Note to Denver Broncos: Marijuana is NOT a performance enhancing drug!
I sleep better when I`m naked why can`t my boss understand this?!
Drinking doesn’t make me post better Facebook statuses; it simply makes me not care what you think of them…
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d love to bring a guest.
You know you`re old when you think "pokemon" is a gay rastafarian
The best part about living in a small town is when I don`t know what I`m doing, someone else does.
It`s so cold out I`ve turned 50 Shades Of Blue!
Life in the fast lane ? Heck, I live in oncoming traffic.
It’s what people don’t know about each other that makes them such good friends.
Not clicking like on this status makes your a$$ look fat.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Hey Monday+?+(???) +?+
Smile. It makes people wonder what you´re up to.
Have you ever loved someone so much deep in your heart, you wanted to keep them hidden from the world and all to yourself? Well, apparently its called kidnapping.
Marriage teaches you forgiveness, compromise and tons of other things you wouldn`t need if you`d stayed single.