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Before I wash my socks, I just throw one in the trash.
I still know what you did last summer........... cos you posted it on facebook!
that song on your iPod that you always skip but never delete.
Ever get the feeling someone is watching you when you sleep? Yeah, sorry about that.
I wonder if the Ziploc bag company secretly lobbies to keep marijuana illegal.
Today is the first day of the rest of my Vodka.
Tomorrow is Valentines day, a holiday that comes along once a year to remind you that if you don`t have a special someone...I guess your alone.
Nothing stops a yawn faster than a dog trying to lick inside your mouth.
Just once I want my boss to assume I`m tired in the morning because I fight crime all night, not because of all the booze I drank.
If you want to bribe me food and beer works.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
When I bang my toe against something it`s like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know
My kid go from "omg...you`re impossible I can`t wait until I`m 18!" To "You`re the best mom ever" in a matter of $100
Research shows that 100% of the time when someone says “oh no she didn’t!” she most definitely did.
How`d this get posted?