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I try to avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they are in the middle of a race.
I really need a day between Saturday and Sunday.
Maybe the reason Uncle Phil hated Will was because the first thing Will gave him was a $3700 cab ride bill from Philly to Bel-Air.
My internet goes out more than I do.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself was clearly never married.
We spend 33% of our life sleeping, 33% wanting to be asleep and the rest apologizing to women.
A leaf blower, but for people.
Nice meeting you, but I forgot your name as soon as you said it...
Today, I`m really gonna give it my nothing
I work so hard for my gta V character to have a better life
mom- "if you dont have anything nice to say, don`t say anything"
Of course you should follow me. Iām funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don`t ask her.
A young man gets sent to jail,and gets put into a jail cell with a convict the size of the Incredible Hulk. After lights out, he hears a whisper from the top bunk."Let`s play Mommy and Daddy. Who do you wanna be?" Thinking quick, the man says "daddy." "Then come up here and suck Mommy`s d!ck."
Relationships are not a test... So why cheat?
You think you have a tough job? I clean the windows on automatic doors.