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I`m boycotting Kix cereal because of all that kid testing.
Sometimes I’ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I’ll be like, “oh no, that can’t be right.”
Your dating profile should be like house listings. 1. Sq. footage 2. Date built 3. # of previous owners? 4. Finished basement?
"This is bullsh!t" - bull farmer giving barn tours
What can I do today that is only going to happen once in a blue moon?
Mario Bros. Plumbing ????? (69 Reviews) Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfriend.
Friendships must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.
Non alcohilic beer, for people who like to pee but hate that annoying buzz.
I could of sworn my pillow`s a hairdreeser...coz I always wake up with the craziest hairstyles!! :D
If you didn`t want to be hit with a shovel then you never should have started telling me about your problems.
This hot fudge sundae hasn`t killed me so it must be making me stronger.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead...
Most of life is waiting for whatever you`re at to be over.
I love watching women`s beach volleyball. There have been two wrist injuries so far, but I should be ok by next week.
No one on Earth has a higher tolerance to cold temperatures than someone who wants to smoke a cigarette.