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LISTEN: It was sweet of you to suck the venom out of my snake bite, but if you really loved me... you would have swallowed.
Men look at boobs for the same reason women look at puppies in cages. We just want to set them free and play with them.
My first mistake was thinking she couldn`t hit a moving target.
If there’s one piece of advice I can give you it’s to marry someone who has a different favorite cereal than you so they wont eat all of yours.
Girl Scout cookie season is scientifically timed to occur just as people are giving up on their New Year`s resolutions.
hearing that Jesus loves you is very nice unless you`re in a Mexican prison
Hooters does have hot girls, but the Subway girls are the real wife material.
The problem with you is ... you exist.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always the hardest....
You may think I`m a loser, but to my goldfish, I`m the god of flakes.
I’ve never been a millionaire, but I know I’d be excellent at it.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with hope that it might magically solve her problems.
If you can read this please let me know - because it means I blocked the wrong person.
I`m glad I don`t work in an office. I can only imagine the smell at lunch time when everybody opens their egg salad sandwiches today.
The only good thing about being an alcoholic is that no one ever asks me to drive them anywhere.