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You say peeping tom. I say highly active member of the neighborhood watch.
Just made a bunch of money by standing outside a party and charging $3 to enter ... I don`t even know who`s party it was!
Ninja Mode is not a plausible excuse for not being seen at work.
Headaches are when the voices inside my head get into a fist fight.
I`m reading a book on anti-gravity. It is impossible to put down.
You know your a$s is ugly when you`re the one always asked to take the photo.
You should have seen the guy who unlocked the liquor store this morning. It was like he never saw anyone roll up a sleeping bag before.
Thanksgiving advice: Sit at the kids table for as many years as possible.
I like how Reese`s come with two peanut butter cups in the package. That way I can eat one now and then the other one right afterwards.
Life gets expensive when you trust a woman that`s cute.
I decided to make a bucket list for when I kick the bucket. Number 1: Wear shoes! Ever tried kicking a metal bucket without shoes?
Pizza will never tell you you`re fat unless you`re high as sh!t, then pizza is probably suggesting you fight an aardvark to lose weight.
Me in a shopping mall: "I like that stuff" *looks at pricetag* "i don`t like it anymore"
I`m on my 5th coffee, just in case you`re wondering about the "other way" to get to Narnia .
"Because it would be hilarious,"... is probably not a good reason to elect someone to be president.