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For Valentine`s Day my wife wanted to.... well, you know. It started with her handcuffing me to the bed. And for three solid hours she watched whatever she wanted on television
Stop bitchin about the frigid winter snow. There are kids in Africa who don`t even HAVE weather!
I’m trusting a whole lot of people not to randomly murder me throughout the day.
How do you get to be that guy who waves the chopsticks at the the orchestra? I feel like I could do that.
It’s not a great nap, unless you wake up and can’t remember what day it is.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed.
It`s hard to diet when your favorite exercise is chewing...
Relax… We’re all crazy.. It’s not a competition.
Just spent the last 30 minutes cutting a Batman mask off the back of a box of Honey Nut Cheerios & my kid thinks he`s gonna get to wear it.
Nintendo should handle education, I don’t remember half the crap from high school but I know all of Super Mario World’s secrets.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn. And now we wait....
If at first you don’t succeed, look in the trash for the instructions
I`ve totally cut carbs out of my diet. Until lunch.
If I say "I don`t know, let me look", I`m really just spinning around in my chair a few times while you`re on hold.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.