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Nothing says "My balls are kept in a jar inside her purse" quite like a joint Facebook account
I`ve had frozen pizza and delivery pizza in the same day, b!tch you don`t know me.
I`ll call it a "smart phone" the day I yell, "Where`s my freaking phone?!" and it answers, "I`m here! Under your jacket!"
I stamp my hand on Saturday morning so it looks like I went out on Friday night.
I don`t have a drinking problem, I just celebrate everything! Like the fact that shirts have armholes, I`ll be celebrating that tonight.
"Wow, that Hungry Man TV dinner sure lives up to its name!" said no hungry man ever.
Coffee keeps me busy until it`s time to be drunk.
I honestly have a fear that one day I`ll leave my house and not be wearing any pants!
Dear Gangsta: If you pulled up your pants a little you could run from the cops faster.
Why don`t the post office get the Jehovah`s Witnesses to deliver the mail on Saturday? Work smarter not harder people.
I`m not worried about the zombie apocalypse that is coming. I`m worried about the fcuktard apocalypse that is here right now.
I gave my wife my email address but she keeps on speaking directly to me.
There should be a mercy rule for how many pics a girl can upload from her vacation.
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey but i turned myself around and THAT`S what it`s all about
So, All my exes live in Texas; Exactly, how does one go about scheduling a tornado ?