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Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
There is nothing more annoying than a couple who just got back from vacation.
Got an awesome watch for my birthday. It was waterproof, shockproof, fireproof, bulletproof, acidproof, childproof & scratchproof. I lost it already.
Who the hell is Pete, and why do we do things for his sake?
I`m horrible with women. Probably because I only know like 3 shades of gray.
My doctor prescribed me xanax instead of birth control pills I asked for. Now I have 9 kids, but I don`t care.
At least thirty percent of my workout is spent picking a different song.
If you answer the phone and say "Hello, you`re on the air." most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
TV and the Internet are good because they keep stupid people from spending too much time out in public.
How long do I have to stand in front of the microwave for to become a member of X-Men?
I WON THE LOTTERY, SCREW YOU ALL! ... Sorry, just practicing
Had another daydream where I`m doing the mexican hat dance and CIA guys watching me from satellites are dancing along in their control room
You`d think by episode 133 the Scooby Doo gang would know it`s a guy in a costume every time.
They say you can tell how someone has sex by how they dance…. So ladies be prepared for a lot of counting and clapping.
If nobody comes from the future to stop you, how bad can the decision really be?