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I miss the good old days when we blamed Marilyn Manson for all our problems.
I’ve found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.
Sarcasm, I put that sh!t on everything
Dang I didn`t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Caterpillars have the ideal life. They eat a lot and then sleep for a while and wake up beautiful.
You`re not laughing out loud. You know it and I know it
Ladies: Sometimes you just need to throw your arms up in the air and say, "Tie me up"
Right before I die, I am going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels to make the cremation a bit more interesting.
Some people should calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed a bottle of food coloring. The doctor says I`m OK, but I feel like I`ve dyed a little inside.
I just wanted to send you a quick note letting you know that you`re in my inappropriate thoughts.
If guns don’t kill people, but people kill people, then doesn’t that mean that toasters don’t toast toast, but instead toast toasts toast?
I don’t drink to forget about problems. I drink to create new problems that that make the old issues irrelevant.
A friend suggested I see a therapist but the truth is, I like being f*cked up.
Suddenly I can`t remember if it`s ok to use tampons as Nerf darts or if it`s the other way around.