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My identity was stolen. I hope they do a better job with my life than I did!
The wife and I never really argue except on where to vacation. I wanna go to the beach and she wants to come with me
I failed the emergency broadcast test. My apologies to all the employees I shoved to the ground while screaming
Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank, give a man a bank and he can rob the world.
What do crickets hear when they have an awkward silence?
If you ever feel sad and blue, just remember that somewhere in the world, there`s a fat kid who just dropped his ice-cream.
I don’t know what my neighbor’s name is and we’ve been neighbors too long for me to ask.
Me being rude: Shut the f*ck up. Me being polite: Please shut the f*ck up.
Why am I always right but people still ignore me...?
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
I`d have better people skills if I worked with better people.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn`t even apply for the job.
So apparently I`ve been Googling `Asian Prom` this whole time. I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren`t going to bang.
How’s your day going? Here’s a good way to tell: Is it “already” 2:00pm or “only” 2:00pm?
If whores, witches, ghosts and hobo`s show up on my doorstep, I can only assume it`s Halloween because our family reunion was in July....