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I`m not really your friend until I start insulting you on a daily basis.
On my tombstone I want it to say: ‘I didn’t forward the text message to 15 friends.” ;)
Spread happiness by smiling at a stranger today...or flash them your boobs. Strangers love boobs!
When a bird bangs into your window, do you wonder if God is playing angry birds
Have we even tried giving Mother Nature a Snickers?
If Apple made a car, would it have windows?
Even if girls came with instructions, men would never read them.
Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years. Dogs run and they live for 15 years. Turtles do nothing & they live for 150 years. Lesson learned
Went looking for camouflage underwear today.....couldn`t find any
Thanks for calling me to tell me you just sent that email
Facebook: A place where people, who know so little about anything, have so much to say about everything.
I`m that friend that you have to explain to people before you introduce me and apologize about afterwards.
Sometimes I use big words that I don’t fully understand in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis.
I haven`t talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn`t want to interrupt her.
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.