Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Warning: this life contains strong language, adult situations and nudity.
I don`t know how the law of averages works, but you`d think after 25yrs of marriage I`d be right at least once
Stumbled into bed late last night. "You`re drunk," she said. "Also, you live next door."
Let`s simplify this. Deliver a pizza to me every night unless I call.
Attention burglars: We may or may not be home. Or maybe we are hunters, waiting for you to get closer for a kill shot
I give 2 star movies 5 stars on Netflix because if I sat through this piece of sh!t, I want you to as well.
I have a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you think I`m sexy!" Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Hey guys,,, Which sounds better: No longer rabid?, Or rabies free since 2003?........ I`m trying to update my e-harmony profile
You don`t need training to be a street cleaner, you just pick it up as you go along.
I like to reward myself for getting up on time by laying in bed for another 20 minutes.
I`m the type of person who will throw away the manual and ponder for 3 hours "where the hell do I start"
So I wanted to publicly apologize for not doing the ice bucket challenge for everyone that nominated me. I don`t give money to charity, unless she is on stage B at 11:30.
How I sing it: "A, B, C, D, E, F, G,....H, I, J, K, A LEMON OH PEE!....Q, R, S....T, U, V....W, X....Y, and Z."
I`m honest, so when I say I took a "cat nap" that means that I slept for 18 hours and then pissed on your favorite shirt after I woke up.
I call in sick on full moons just to make them wonder.