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If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die.
Car horns were invented 1% for safety and 99% because people get pissed off sometimes and need to let a mofo know.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying "gracias" at Mexican restaurants.
I just saw a 2 or 3yr old boy wearing a t-shirt that says, "if mom or dad wont buy it I`ll just sms grandma and grandpa"
Someday you may lose your hair, you may lose your teeth, your money and even lose your mind. But one thing you will never lose – your good looks, coz you can never lose what you don’t have!
Sometimes, talking to a woman requires a translator.
If by "help decorate the tree" you mean drinking beer on the couch yelling out everything you`re doing wrong, then yeah, count me in.
I`d fight a bear for you. Well, not a grizzly or a brown bear. But maybe like a care bear. I`d fight one of those sonsabitches for you.
A high school diploma takes you 12 years to get, 2 minutes to frame and a lifetime to forget where you put it.
I wish I could select all my responsibilities and press delete.
Someone tore off my warning label when I was born.
Two of the greatest mysteries of the universe: 1) Why are we here? 2) How come Chinese restaurants don`t serve breakfast?
My Facebook movie is already in the dollar bin at Walmart.
Pizza is like sex, when it is good it`s very good, When it`s bad...it`s still pretty good.
Relationships are not a test... So why cheat?