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Some people might as well post ‘Wants Attention’ as their Facebook status.
I helped my girlfriend with the dinner last night. I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night ... From the dryer
A wife is like a hand grenade. Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Drive-Thru Workers: The longer you make me wait in line, the more change will be used for my payment...
It`s really quite simple ... I do what I want! ... The End.
I understand vampires being invisible in mirrors, but what the hell happens to their clothes?
When you`re a kid, you hate those moments when there is absolutely nothing to do. As an adult, you live for them.
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is "act natural, you`re innocent".
I`m getting tired of having to write "Sent from my iPhone" at the end of all my e-mails. Maybe I should just get an iPhone.
You don’t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.
We`ll be friends `til we`re old and senile ... Then we`ll be new friends.
Turns out having boobs only gets you stuff if you don`t have a penis as well.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.