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Reasons to get out of bed: Food.
I`ve had like 10 red bulls, so of course I`m vacuuming the front yard.
I always take a number at the deli, and I`ve been keeping them.... Eventually I`ll have all the numbers and it will always be my turn.
You girls are lucky, tampons are changing the end from a string to a bit of tinsel but its only for the Christmas period
I watched my first silent movie the other day. The kids weren`t there.
How can Wal-mart have a bazillion carts and everyone with at least one wobbly wheel?
Of all the lies I`ve told in my life, "Just kidding" is my favorite.
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead but other people do. The same is true when you are stupid.
Whenever being single gets me down, I like to close my eyes, take a deep breath and then go do whatever I want pretty much nonstop.
Every selfie you post should come stamped with a number like a limited edition print. "Attempt 7 of 25".
Imagine if someone`s name was Gurt. You`d be all "yo gurt!" .. funny? no? Ok (._.)
Whenever a stranger asks our baby’s name, I always say he hasn’t told us yet.
Everyone please stop doing crimes because sirens are too noisy.
I think it’s funny when dogs hide under the bed when they’re scared. I’m like “you idiot, that’s the first place monsters go!
If you want to talk to me on the phone, I need at least three days notice.