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People who are about to tell you something then say "never mind" are the reason why I sometimes admire serial killers
Why is it socially acceptable to wear a bikini at the beach but not on the bus? At the end of the day I’m just a guy in a bikini on the bus.
How the hell do you call Batman during the day?
The good thing about Facebook is if someone gets on your nerves enough, you can make them cease to exist in your world and you don`t even have to hide a body.
I like my relationships like I like my eggs: over easy.
When one door closes and another one opens, it`s time to pack up and leave because your house is clearly haunted.
Guys...dont mess up and buy her the wrong brand of vacuum cleaner for Valentines Day this year. Spend a little extra for a really good one ... Just tring to help.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too? Me: If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
I don’t think we can get through adulthood without a good sense of humor and a strong middle finger.
I`m getting sick of these porn sites listing my videos as "amateur".
Make Monday More Fun: Unplug the copier at work and put a sign on it that says “Now Voice Activated!” Sit back and watch the magic unfold..
There are days when everything goes perfectly. . I wonder what those are like?
I`m a compulsive liar. Every thing I say is a lie. And that`s the truth.
In fact, yes, l can multitask. I can screw up several things at once.
I end a sentence with `just saying` because ending with `dumba$$` would be offensive.