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The only way a fidgey spinner would relieve my stress is if it was edible ...
You know its cold out ......when you go outside..... and it`s cold out
Today I am thankful for dirty text messages, stripclubs, and Jack Daniels
The new neighbors moved in today. I brought them a box of condoms to show how much I don`t want anymore children living on our street.
If I drank, I`d have a lot funnier status updates on Facebook than I do now. Well, at least I`d think they were funnier.
Do you ever feel like you`re in Season 5 of your life, and the writers are just doing outrageous stuff to keep it interesting?
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
I’m glad we don’t have to hunt for our food any more. I don’t even know where sandwiches live...
CONGRATULATIONS! You are the 13th woman he`s called "beautiful" on Facebook today.
If my cats have taught me anything, its how to ignore people.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
The early bird needs a punch in the throat.
Conversation between Adam and Eve must have been difficult at times because they had nobody to talk about.
I spent the first 20 minutes of 2014 looking for the remote.
I like to finish other people`s sentences because my version is better.