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I’m not paranoid, but everyone thinks I am.
Hi, welcome to adulthood! You`ll be constantly tired except for right before you need to go to sleep.
Why is there a show called “When animals attack”? It should be called “When stupid people go near dangerous animals.”
I`m on a pepperoni pizza cleanse.
It`s possible you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night
I learn something new every day that I didn`t want to know.
This week’s weather forecast: Sweaty underboobs.
I think you and I both know that you`re not facebook friends with me for the funny statuses.
Somebody told me I need adult supervision. I was like "I Know!" It would be awesome to be able to see through walls and shoot lasers out my eyes.
If there`s one thing I`ve learnt in life it`s to stay clothed during sensitive conversations.
Due To ObamaCare and the poor economy Holiday Cheer this year will be distributed in Shot Glasses...
The majority of Americans support sending Congress to Syria.
I really don`t know what the big deal is about Black Friday. I black out every Friday....
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their sh!t together.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V "Tuesday"