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Oh, you’re surprised I’m still single? I’m surprised you can dress yourself. So I guess we’re even.
That urge you get to write “No one gives a crap” on someone’s status.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
I`m never wrong. One time, I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken.
My 83 year old neighbor got pulled over for speeding. She told the cop she had to hurry before she forgot where she was going.
Whoever said, "All men are created equal", has obviously never been to a nude beach
Having a bit of a lazy day, sitting in my underwear looking for jobs online ... My boss doesn`t look amused
Anything I say or do before I`ve had my coffee doesn`t count.
My superpower is getting behind the person who is obviously refinancing their mortgage at the ATM.
I hate it when people like their own statuses * At this point you like your status for dramatic effect*
Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
I hope I die doing something extreme like climbing Mt. Everest or telling a woman I don`t like her new haircut.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you`ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
In heaven, the Cheez-Its are salted on both sides.
If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills,with a rubber band around it...I found the rubber band....