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I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it`s a website to find love. So I was close.
Politicians and diapers should be changed regularly and for the same reason...
Just heard about the Obamacare deadline and I`m freaking out. I have so many questions. Who is Obama?
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
It’s fun to pull someone’s leg… but don’t ever pull their finger.
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, `13...13....13...13.` The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on. Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick. Then they all started shouting. `14...14...14...14....
I should be able to take a sick day if I am sick of the people I work with.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
All I`m saying is you don`t see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy.
Was wondering...when you have a mandatory meeting at work, why do the presenters always thank you for being there?
I`m no different than any other bachelor. I put my pants on one leg at a time and clean the house once every new girlfriend.
Secretly replaced the bacon with beggin` strips. Let`s see if the customers notice.
I know you shouldn`t text and drive but I`ve only had 2-3 texts tonight, tops, so I should be okay to drive.
You never outgrow sleepovers, they just become coed.
I went to the Dr today with severe headaches .. he asked if I suffered from any memory loss. I said "How the F would I know?"