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My mom never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"
Whenever someone tries to get too friendly with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to remind them of where we stand.
Does anyone have the recipe for ice cubes? Asking for a friend.
Right now I`m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I`ve forgotten this before.
Once again, I`m a distant runner-up for TIME magazine`s `Person Of The Year`. I`m beginning to think it`s rigged...
I met a girl who told me that she broke up with her last boyfriend because he just didn`t work out. Which is when I knew, she wasn`t the one for me, as I hate to work out as well.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine - Iād worship him too.
Not to brag, but I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.
University; It`s like being unemployed, but your parents are proud of you.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a medication bottle and see "May cause extreme sexiness."
Why does no one ever talk about where a bear pees?
"Please take a seat" was a bad introduction for a Kleptomaniacs` Anonymous meeting.
Welcome to the obesessive-compulsive hotline... please press 1 repeatedly.
For some reason I`m an extremely secretive person. Don`t ask me why
The only thing instant glue sticks to instantly is fingers.