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If my statuses had a smell.. they would smell funny
I’m in a long distance relationship. Sure, some people refer to it as a restraining order, but still.
Just once...one time; can`t we buy a tree that doesn`t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
In all my years, I have never finished a pencil.
You can tell a lot about someone by whether they read HP as horsepower or hit points.
Show me a bunch of people with type A personalities, and I`ll show you a control group.
That awkward moment when you’re laughing so hard, you accidentally hit your head on something..
Dear Dr Phil, I was watching my next door neighbor`s wife sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was enjoying myself I turned to notice my lady was just standing there, arms folded...watching me. Is she a pervert?
Idea: maybe the police force for a town of 20,000 shouldn`t have access to weapons you ordinarily need cheat codes to get
If a girl picks an iron in monopoly you know she`s a keeper
People are obsessed with this storm but in a couple months no one will talk about it anymore, which is why they named it after the movie Juno.
I feel like I would enjoy getting out of bed more if I only had to do it like 3 times a week. This every day thing is overkill.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
I purposely cry while cutting carrots so onions don`t think they`re ugly or something.
The waitress asked if I was done with that, I said yes but I`m married to it.