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I was thinking about selling my old phone but I think it knows too much.
I enjoy shopping online because at least I don`t have to act all shocked when my credit card gets declined.
I wonder what my dog has named me?
The IRS suggests filing early to reduce the chance that someone will steal your identity and file before you. Honestly, if somebody wants my identity so badly they`ll file my tax return for me, go crazy. You can mow my lawn while you`re at it, too.
One advantage of growing old is you don`t have to worry about hackers stealing your nude pics out of the cloud.
I can`t fall asleep because I am too excited for Christmas
Sometimes I like to lie in bed, stare at the ceiling and think what it would be like to stare at other ceilings.
North Korea no!, really, go home! now you are really drunk!
lord, we beg you for tupac, and in return you can have justin bieber
My boys cleaned out my car and now my change is missing. Little do they know, it costs exactly $3.63 to turn our wifi back on.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it`s considered responsible. But if you do that with your gf, it`s called "cheating."
I like to stand 20 ft in front of the Walmart greeter and greet people before he gets a chance.
When a guy says "I`m Fine" what he is really trying to say is that he is fine.
Instead of going to Starbucks, I like to make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.
"No, thanks. I`m a vegetarian." is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.