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I`m amazed at the mileage my car is getting. I`m still running off the same tank of gas I bought last year!
Remember the days when water was free and you had to pay for porn?
It’s 2013, why does good food still have calories.
Congratulations, U.S. Government, you are now officially more embarrassing than Miley Cyrus
I’m always impressed when I can stump auto-correct...
The last 10 seconds of every voicemail my grandmother leaves me is her trying to hang up the phone.
Never make eye contact while eating a banana
You know when I was younger I was under the impression that quick sand was going to be a serious issue in life...
No matter what`s happening there`s always part of me that would rather be taking a nap or drinking.
I`ll be back in five minutes. If I`m not, read this again :D
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Who needs Google when you’ve got a wife who knows it all?
I have tonight off so if anyone’s free let’s go somewhere and look at our phones together.
Do you think people will start blaming auto correct for there marriages breaking down?
Me: Well hello again. I knew you`d be back. I seem to have that effect on people Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave