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I have a disease called AWESOME...You don`t understand it since you don`t have it.
How do bats hang upside down without crapping on themselves?
If you eat it in the car before you get home, it never existed.
Was born with a rare condition called "Amazing"
I`ve been told that I never take responsibility for anything, and it`s all your fault.
This is the third time someone in Liam Neeson`s family has been abducted, they really need to stop leaving the house.
John has 35 candy bars. If John eats 27 of them what does he have? .... Diabetes. John has diabetes.
If anyone ever tells you your dreams are silly, remember there`s a millionaire walking around that invented the pool noodle.
Guys say that women should come with instructions, but what`s the point. Have you ever seen a man read instructions?
I`m often a little confused when people call me insane because, to be honest, I`m still just warming up.
I bet Bruce Wayne sometimes accidentally signs his credit card receipts “Batman” when he’s drunk. I know I do.
Finally realizing that Hotel California is about Facebook. “…you can check in anytime you like, but you can never leave…”
Pro Tip: If you knock on the door to a bathroom stall and someone says "one second," wait more than one second before entering.
If at first you don`t succeed, you`ll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn`t succeed either.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is "I can post that"