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finally got my certification in the mail, I`m officially insane.
Five years ago my boss asked me where I wanted to be in five years. I finally know the answer: Not Here
I`m sorry did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?
I have thought a lot about it and I am thrilled to announce that I have decided to never die.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn`t know you did that for fun.
If airports are so safe, why are the buildings called Terminal
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Did anyone else ever wonder why the Easter Bunny gave away chocolate eggs? Last I checked, bunnies don’t lay eggs. What kind of sick new species is this?
they say money cant buy you happiness but id much rather be crying in a fararri...
I may or may not have just "Whipped my Hair Back and Forth".......
If I were to give up Sarcasm, that would leave interpretive dance as my only means of communication.
The only man worth waiting for is the delivery guy
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is my favorite story about how you will get treated like CRAP ... until you have something someone else needs
On one issue, at least, men and women agree: they both distrust women.
Today I saw a girl with the word "Anel" on her butt. I was like, woah..it`s supposed to say "Anal"..it`s spelled wrong then I realized it was supposed to say "Angel". The G was stuck in her a$$crack