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Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah`s witnesses of the internet.
Was the little pig who decided to built his house out of straw some sort of f***ing idiot?
A lot of people do not realize that the actor who played Wilson in Castaway is the same actor from the volleyball scene in Top Gun.
I wish I had Shazam for faces...
There are three kinds of people: Those who totally agree with my messages, those who kind of agree with me, and those locked in the trunk of my car.
My Ex-Wife: Our relationship is like being in prison! ME: I don’t think so. People have sex in prison.
It`s really crazy that you don`t hear a round of applause every time you order a salad.
If it wasn`t for pizza delivery, you wouldn`t see me shoveling a walkway.
Sorry ladies, but I already got my eyes on a woman who`s not interested.
I would never survive a real job because I dont like being told when I can eat lunch...
There are sick days, paid holidays, and vacation days. What about "Don`t have any gas to make it to work days"
Why the hell isn`t the iphone`s battery life called "Apple Juice."
Note to Self: These Note to Selves don’t work.
Friday. The golden child of the weekdays. The superhero of the workweek. The welcome wagon to the weekend. The famous F word we thank God for every week.
Just got done putting up all the garage sale signs. Hope the neighbor appreciates how much work I put into their surprise garage sale.