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My therapist told me today that I need to stop talking to inanimate objects, but I mean he`s just a lamp so what does he really know anyway
Was asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently, "A way out" wasn`t the right answer...
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains is great news for stupid people.
When I`m on my death bed, I want my last words to be...."I left 10 million dollars in the..........."
The older I get, the more I enjoy being bored.
I need a leaf blower, but for people.
Here`s a crazy concept, maybe I`m not in a bad mood, angry, or a bitch. Maybe I said it because it`s true and I meant it. Marinate on that.
BESTFRIEND: the one you can get mad at only for a short period because you have important stuff to tell them.
It’s 2015, why cant you unselect a floor in an elevator yet?
My New Years resolution is to be more assertive if that`s okay with you guys?
Can I tell you how terribly grateful I am that no one had cell phones, iPads or digital cameras when I had to squaredance in P.E.
Some of you need to be driven out to the country and released back into the wild
Hey rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Reasons I check my voicemail: 1% to hear the message. 99% to get rid of that annoying icon.
If only there was a way to voice a highly uneducated opinion to thousands of people on a regular basis