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!that embarrasing moment when you fake a call then a real one comes...!lol.
Why do people with really bad breath always want to tell you secrets?
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a super-villain.
Gym update: not there
Never look at your beer as half-empty. Look at it as you’re halfway to your next beer.
When I`m happy, I drink and when I drink, I`m happy. Win/Win!!
I got passed by a Prius on the Interstate and now I’m legally required to pee sitting down.
Do you realize that Scrooge was essentially water-boarded into changing his outlook on Christmas?
No, I don`t have tourette syndrome..I was just telling you what I think of you.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Nobody looks back on their life and remembers the nights they had plenty of sleep.
"People should just mind their own business," probably the funniest thing I`ve ever read on a social networking site.
Hey babe, go to Google Earth, zoom in on your house. See that blue cap in the bushes? Hi!
I hate when I accidentally eat everything in sight.
I always assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.