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Easter can be just as much fun as an adult as it was as a child. Just paint and hide beer cans instead of eggs.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
I haven`t been drinking. I know what day it is. I didn`t lose my pants. This might be my car. I know how to drive. -Lies I`ve told to cops.
Never , under any circumstances , take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. O_o
Best pickup line : wanna get pizza?
If my father taught me one thing, it was probably how to take both hands off the wheel to sarcastically applaud people in traffic.
Man what a day. I pulled my groin...for like 20 minutes.
My friends were alway so nice. They were like "of course you`re not fat! Come on, grab two chairs and sit with us" :)
You know you`re broke when your Bologna Does Not have a first name!
Shout out to sidewalks. Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Half the time spent on Facebook is likely spent by creeping people and /or staring at the screen waiting for something interesting to happen.
Why did they send me to this white room? Do they think I`m crazy? Do they think I`m ...HOLY CRAP THE WALLS ARE FLUFFY!!!
Y`all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
F*ck you, regular cars that look like police cars. Also vice versa.
Building the city on rock and roll was probably the wrong move from an engineering perspective.