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Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called “fun sized” should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Somewhere someone`s therapist knows you.
Got into a vicious battle with quite possibly the World`s Largest Spider. The outcome? Well, I`m updating my Facebook status this morning.... He isn`t.
People who don`t know what they want should not use the drive thru!
I`m convinced that every time a sock goes missing from the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid.
Is it bad that "WINE" is always on my grocery list? At the top? In all caps?
The mind is like a parachute .... It doesn`t work if it isn`t open.
You know it`s time to get a girlfriend when you masturbate in different positions
When people tell me "you`re going to regret that in the morning" I sleep in until noon because I`m a problem solver.
I need a partner in wine.
If I ever post something on Social media sites that`s not funny or clever, That just means someone hacked my account, Just Saying!
Nobody pissed me off today... I got to get out more.
You know what the trouble with jogging is...by the time you realize you`re not in shape for it, it`s too far to walk back.
The secret to dancing is pretending you have a wedgie and you’re trying to get it unstuck without using you’re hands.