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My wife didn`t appreciate me pointing out that my alcoholism began around the time that we first started dating.
Hi, it’s me. I can’t get to the phone right now, even though it’s right here in my hand.
The expiration date on my credit card is 4/20 and it always gets a good laugh when Im ordering pizza for delivery.
Remember that there’s always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or prettier than you. That would be me.
I`m pretty sure my Internet Explorer “error reports” end up the same place my letters to Santa do.
Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
If at first you don`t succeed, you should have done it my way in the first place.
Look, all I`m saying is that the dinosaurs didn`t drink alcohol and look what happened to them.
The first guy who persuaded a blind guy to wear sunglasses, must have been a hell of a salesman.
The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase Regards again.
When in doubt, procrastinate.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it`s fun to push things down the stairs.
Why can`t insomnia start in the morning.
All my dance moves look like i`m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Me: Well hello again. I knew you`d be back. I seem to have that effect on people Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave