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eBay sellers - just because you`ve dug your suit/dress out of the back of your wardrobe doesn`t make it vintage. #JustOldAndSmelly
I wish, just once, I could actually hit the pedestrian crossing the road slow with the "what`re gonna do, hit me" look on their face.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
And by "whatever" I mean f*ck you.
Women have a lot more experience dealing with bloodstains than men. Men are convicted of murder a lot more than women. Coincidence?
"Just so you know, you`re coming home with me tonight." I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
I hate those new parents who do the `baby talking`, yes I do, yes I do...
I once overdosed on Viagra. My wife took it really hard.
it`s a fact that flies on screens are not afraid of cursors
I just found out my smoke detector comes with a warranty. WHAT FOR? If it don`t work, what`s left?
You ever think that maybe the reason geese are always honking is because they`re flying too close together?
I like my coffee like I like my men: caffeinated, made of beans, muscular, tousled hair, you know what, I don`t really know how to do this..
I don’t know how your day is going, but I just got lucky on the couch! Yep, I found a dollar!
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they`ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
"We have HBO" - apparently still a bragging point in the motel industry.