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It’s annoying when Netflix keeps stopping to buffer. Stupid neighbors just won’t upgrade their WiFi.
Since you were smiling when you tazed me, I`m guessing we still have a chance.
My favorite hobbies are practical jokes and masturbation. I’m always trying to pull a fast one
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Are headaches the result of time spent with woman or is it purely a coincidence?
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they`re looking for ideas.
Instead of cleaning the house I just watch an episode of Hoarders and I think WOW, my house really looks great.
Someone once said, “Find a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life.” So, I’m pleased to announce the grand opening of my titty squeezing business!!
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
I hear voices ... and they don`t like you.
I will be responsible for my actions when my actions become more responsible.
Batman had the bat signal. If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
I`m not feeling myself today..... Perhaps I should feel someone else.
Do you smoke? Smokers: "Yes." Non-Smokers: "Never have, never will." Stoners: "Smoke what?"
I just did a weeks worth of cardio after I walked into a spider`s web.