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I hide from people too, so I get it unicorns, I get it.
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then go find somebody whose life gave them vodka and throw a party.
Everybody says waking up at 5 in the morning to exercise makes you feel great but I think lying in bed for another 2 hours feels better.
Teenage girls hang out in odd numbered groups because they literally can`t even.
If I told you I loved you, would you believe me or just stand there freaking out about me being in your closet?
When someone asks if you lost weight, the correct response is always, "no, it just seems like it to you because you got fatter."
It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realise that there is always a way to solve problems without violence
The New iPhone 7 is coming out in August. If you want a sneak peek of the new iPhone. Take a look at your current iPhone and pretend it cost 200 dollars more.
Sometimes I sit and wonder what the world would be like if I wasn`t awesome ... That would be scary.
I watched my first porn movie today. I looked so much younger back then.
I try not to work that much. That way I make less mistakes.
I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes and thought, "Wow, dogs are easily entertained." Then I realized I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, "It`s okay, I think we lost him."
Ohio - High in the middle, and round at the ends.
I`m not perfect. But I am better than you.