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Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.” If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
I`ve disappointed a lot of people in my life, you`re not special.
Never take a laxative and a sleeping aid on the same night. dont ask me why.
My Hamster passed today, he fell asleep at the wheel.
I like playing with my dog when I`m high. Because I don`t have one when I`m sober.
Christmas spirit? I`m proud to say I`ve got plenty of that. I`ve got rum, whiskey, gin, brandy, vodka and tequila.
Spread happiness by smiling at a stranger today, or flash them your boobs...... Strangers love boobs!
People with the loudest car audio systems usually have the worst taste in music.
I paid attention to the construction signs and got in the correct lane. You ignored them for miles and now you want me to let you in. Not gonna happen.
Facebook should just change it`s name to "People You May Want to Avoid."
If you want to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 9am, don`t be open.
I think you people lied to me...exactly how much of this hair of the dog do I have to eat before this hangover goes away?
Batman had the bat signal. If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
You`ll notice you never see sweatpants with "Classy" written across the butt.
Due to no supervision and sheer lack of self control; I sincerely with GREAT guilt! Here now inform you. I ate your banana split