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My wife is pissed at me again. Apparently I`m breathing wrong.
Back in my day, we had to remember phone numbers and give people directions and don`t get me started on the dinosaurs.
In an alternate universe cats feed humans Lean Cuisines while muttering "I don`t know how you eat that sh!t".
If you think you hate me now, wait till I start answering your rhetorical questions.
If people are talking behind your back, then just fart.
You know its bad when you feel like your life is being directed by Quentin Tarantino.
The way dogs get excited when you throw a tennis ball is the way I feel about my first beer after work.
There`s no `i` in "Shut the f*ck up!"
I got in touch with my feminine side today... I made myself a sandwich.
"It gotten SOOO cold in D.C., politicians have their hands in their OWN pockets!"
The only trouble with resisting temptation is that you may not get another chance...
I don’t make mistakes too often, but when I do it’s your fault.
My whole life is based on a true story...
I really think my life would be a lot better if my fitness app would just lower its standards
My pet rock turned 4,054,870,001 today