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Helpful Tip: A ceiling fan won`t cut a bagel in half ... Not even on top speed
I don`t have any "driving the speed limit" music.
Doctor: How`s your headache? Patient: She`s out of town.
Finger Prints on Super Bowl Trophy to be used in dozens of criminal investigations
If I could have dinner with anyone either alive or dead. I would totally choose dead. Because, more food for me then.
If I`ve learned anything from 50 Shades of Grey, its that women still haven`t figured out you can watch porn at home... for free.
I generally don`t hang out with people who are missing digits on their feet. It`s not that I`m a jerk. I`m just lack-toes intolerant.
I’ve been reading a lot about how to live and eat healthier and then not doing anything with that information.
If all the worlds a stage and the men and women merely players, how come Justin Bieber gets all the airtime?
Okay, I am getting really irritated. This is the 5th ATM I`ve been to today that`s had "insufficient funds".
I`m holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team
I wouldn`t consider myself someone that litters but I do turn on my windshield wipers while im driving down the road to get rid of that useless flyer some idiot put on my car when I quickly run into the store.
There would be a lot less people willing to run for public office if the losers were required to pick up all the lawn signs afterwards.
I just saved a lot of money in child support by switching to condoms!
Apparently my "Please STFU" face bears a strong resemblance to my "Oh, Please Keep Talking" face.