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I’m not the type of person you want to put on speaker during a phone conversation.
Turkish ruler Erdogan was at the White House this week. Sources say he arrived very early so he could beat the crowd.
If I ran the country, things would be a lot better ... Well, for me anyway.
The best thing about online classes is the beer.
Of course you look good; I don`t have ugly friends.
I`m not crazy I`m just special! No wait maybe I am crazy.. One second, I have to talk to myself about this hold on...
I was in a bar when a girl called me a cheapskate. So I threw her drink in her face.
Is snaxting a thing? Texting each other pics of your snacks? Cause I feel like I’d be pretty good at that.
Dear naps, I`m sorry I was such a jerk to you as a kid.
The success of a marriage hinges entirely on the ability to know which of your wife’s clothing is okay to go into the dryer.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you, would actually kill me
hates when I´m singing along with the radio and the artist messes up the words!
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
In alcohol`s defence, I`ve done some pretty dumb sh*t while completely sober too.
B!tch, please! You`re so fake, even barbie is jealous of you