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Hey Samsung and Apple, no need for commercials. We’ve all chosen sides.
Tonight I plan on drinking until I`m someone else`s problem
Thinking of getting another kitchen table just for all my mail
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
"5 React 2 Gum-- Experiences may vary. Stimulate your senses!"-- Same effect as LSD, but chewier.
Nothing says "I`m behind on child support." like 26" spinning rims on an 86 Chevy Malibu.
Shout out to weathermen telling us the barometric pressure like we know what the hell to do with that information.
Mothers never really understand the irony of calling their children "come here you son of a bitch"
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, “It’s okay, I think we lost him.”
If you were born after 1990, you will never know the frustration of having to rewind your parents porn tapes to the exact same spot...
When I die I want Charlie Sheen’s life to flash before my eyes.
Stop waiting for the perfect moment. Take a moment and make that sh!t perfect.
Word of advice. If your wife or girlfriend ever asks "hypothetically speaking, if I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my friends would you pick to join in?" Never give two names......ever.
Telling people your phone is gonna die, But you really just don’t want to text them.
Still have not used all the free hours from my AOL start up disk