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When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
I just found out people are playing golf online. And I thought my life sucked!
I like to dump Skittles in the toilet and then flush it because it looks like a little tiny NASCAR race.
When you write misspelled backwards it`s misspelled.
No one asks the tough questions, like why are drug dealers on the metric system?
I`d better check my phone for texts from friends. *checks phone* Well, I`d better get some friends...
I just decorated my bedroom to look like my desk at work so I can fall sleep faster.
Nothing gets me motivated for 10-15 seconds like a good inspirational quote.
Resisting the urge to write "Just shut the f*ck up" on someones status.
Well I made it through the day without beating anyone with a chair. I`d say my people skills are improving.
that awkward moment when you`re alone somewhere and trying to take a picture of yourself.
Everyone hates performance enhancing drugs. Yet, everyone loves Captain America.
After reading some marriage post, I`m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
True love is when you burn your tongue when you take a bite from a pizza and you still keep eating it.
I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade"