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If you`ve never played Tetris, you`re probably useless at loading a dishwasher
Porn is so unrealistic. There`s no way a guy with a ponytail could have a house that nice.
Talked to someone in person today....what a pain in the a$$ that was!
I`ve been told my posts are too depressing but what does it matter. We`ll all be dead soon anyway.
I thought I was having deja vu, but it turns out I do the exact same things every day.
What I learned in college 1.Water bottles are a great way to hide vodka. 2. When your thirsty in the morning you will regret #1.
Somehow the talk went a little wrong with my 7 year old and now he`s convinced that birds have sex with bees and now he won`t eat honey.
Me:"I had a dream about you." Girlfriend:"Awwwwww." Me:"Yeah, you died."
I`m pretty sure country music singers are all just the same guy wearing different hats.
The fastest way to get someone to call you back is to take a shower.
There`s this cool trick I do where I post whatever the f*ck I want becasue this is my account, not yours.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy`s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Sometimes I meet people and feel sorry for their dog.
I don’t think my neighbor watches porn. She asked if I could fix her sink. I’ve been here for an hour and I’m still fixing her sink.
Marriage teaches you forgiveness, compromise and tons of other things you wouldn`t need if you`d stayed single.