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Vodka is just amazing water.
Just deserts: When a cashier hands you dollar bills back as change. Hold them up to the light like they do when you pay them.
Happy Saturday… the day you can put as much booze into your coffee as you’d like to put in on Monday.
I know this will probably piss off a bunch of people I know, but what makes someone good at fishing?!? Seriously, all you did was wait longer.
I DON`T UNDERSTAND IT! WHY THE F*CK WOULD SOMEBODY BREAK INTO A HOUSE JUST TO STEAL A REMOTE CON - Never mind, I found it.
Imagine how much faster Olympic sprinters could run if they saw their wives going through their phones at the finish line
To everybody that is single don`t worry you will have your day............ Palm Sunday is just around the corner
If my memory gets any worse I`ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
At this stage of my life, "Good in Bed" means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Parenting gets a lot harder when you can no longer say "I`m calling Santa!"
So who wants to tell the person who just threw a new phone book on my porch about the internet?
I mixed Taco Bell sauce into my Ramen Noodles, It tastes exactly like poverty.
“Nothing is impossible.” I disagree. I’m doing nothing right now… it’s totally possible.
is at the park. Unless you’re my boss, in which case, I’m at work.
"I’m definitely going to do that tomorrow.” — Me being delusional