Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I hate grocery shopping. That`s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I`m getting, but it sure is faster.
This time change has me all messed up. Driving with my hands at 11 and 3 is hard
Dating: the process of hiding your crazy just long enough to get the other person to commit.
Often I convince myself I enjoy the company of other humans. Then I spend time with them and remember I don`t.
Checking the time on your phone twice because you were`nt paying attention the first time
If by O.P.P. you mean Other People’s Pancakes, then yes I’m down with O.P.P.
It’s a strange moment, when you realize that the sound of nature is the sound of millions of animals, birds, and insects desperately trying to get laid.
Scientists are dumb. A meteor didn`t kill the dinosaurs. I`ve been to the museum. It`s obvious they starved to death.
The new neighbors moved in today. I brought them a box of condoms to show how much I don`t want anymore children living on our street.
Hey people who say I am boring and not interesting; FYI the police just called saying they want to talk to me because I am "a person of interest"
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job? Me: Yeah, can I have it?
If you can’t love the one you want, love someone who looks like them and just squint a lot.
People who don`t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Elderly people used to always nudge me at weddings and say "You`re next."What got them to stop is when............I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
I don`t have any skeletons in my closet because I bury my victims in the backyard!