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I’m just going to put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
I hate mixed messages. They`re great.
Give a fish something for once for f*cks sake
I may have just inadvertently accomplished something
Dracula had impeccable hair for a guy who couldn’t see himself in a mirror.
If you see a road sign that says "Survey Crew Ahead" they actually are not looking for your opinions ... I know that now.
I’m taking care of my procrastination issues; just you wait and see.
Make Monday More Fun: Unplug the copier at work and put a sign on it that says “Now Voice Activated!” Sit back and watch the magic unfold..
I wouldn`t mind all the penis enlargement emails if they weren`t coming from my wife.
I will probably die as a result of being sarcastic to the wrong person at the wrong time.
Just ran across a great dessert recipe...Cut up some bananas, apples & oranges in a bowl. Add fresh squeezed lime juice. Then toss it in the trash and eat a cheesecake.
I know I am an acquired taste. If you don`t like me, you need to acquire some taste. Or go f*ck yourself. Whichever.
I wanna be rich enough to have 11 little people who run out of my closet every morning dressed as a nascar pit crew to make my bed really fast.
I wonder if Oscar the Grouch has a hipster cousin somewhere that lives in a recycling bin
thinks it`ll just be my luck to win the Lottery tonight ...... and the world WILL end tomorrow!