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Starting an international incident is number one on my bucket list.
My doctor said he`s been practicing for 30 years. When will he start doing his job for real?
My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying ~ don`t run into anyone you know.
Do Starbucks employees take coffee breaks?
Standing up: Wow, I`m actually kind of skinny. Sitting down: Okay, maybe not..
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it ... I`m gonna miss that baby...
"You have the right to remain silent so as not to incriminate yourself." ~5th Amendment, understood by nobody on Facebook.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!! A cure for hangovers WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!! Please stop yelling
My girlfriend just accused me of being unfaithful. I told her that is ridiculous and that she is starting to sound like my wife.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming.
Girl rule. A girl will only compliment another girl that is uglier than they are.
"There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU." Things I say to my kids when we`re in public.
Anyone who knows me obviously knows a shit ton about awesomeness.
In America, someone is shot every 15 seconds ... How is that person still alive?