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I can`t wait for the day when my kids are old enough that I can drink with them and not because of them.
When someone is in a bad mood, I like to help matters by pointing out several times that they seem to be in a bad mood.
If you see me talking to myself don`t be alarmed. I`m getting expert advice.
What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles?
I`ll call it a "smart phone" the day I yell, "Where`s my freaking phone?!" and it answers, "I`m here! Under your jacket!"
If Shrek can find love, so can you. What I`m trying to say is, you look like Shrek.
My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo, because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
Somewhere in America, a woman has a baby every 47 minutes. We`ve got to find this woman and stop her!
Improve your memory by doing unforgettable things.
It`s fun to chant "Bloody Mary" three times into your car`s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
I saw a cool bumper sticker on a back of a SUV . . . “Do you follow Jesus this close?”
Technically, if you don`t cut the cake, it`s still just one slice.
The only reason any of us can spell laboratory is because of Dexter.
You know it was a good sh!t when you come back and your screensaver is on.
Nothing starts my day off quite like an inspirationsl status!...May your day go fast, your socks match and your underwear no ride up your a$$.