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Whenever someone tries to get too friendly with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to remind them of where we stand.
I missed that one episode of The Walking Dead where they show us how the zombies keep everyone`s lawns so freshly mowed.
never judges a book by its cover. I use the paragraph on the back, it tells you what the story is about.
Somebody asked for my name today, and when I told them they said "That`s an unusual name. You don`t hear that everyday" to which I replied "Well actually... I do"
If your girl sets her Facebook relationship status to “Widowed”, it’s time to pack a suitcase as fast as possible.
How awesome would it be if boobs made maraca sounds when you shook them? LOL
The list of things I won’t eat if covered in chocolate gets smaller everyday.
$100 for a dozen red what?! That`s a lot of money for a plant you can’t smoke.
Would you mind going with me to my next Psychologist appointment? He thinks I`m making you up.
My favorite thing about working out is the part where I decide not to.
A wasp just landed on my balls. Hardest decision of my life.
Sorry I mispronounced your baby`s name you made up.
I was discussing with my friend about the popular trends on sex, marriage and values. He says to me, "I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" I replied. "I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?"
The other night, I posted on Facebook I was going to sleep shirtless. The next day I logged on and saw 7 mosquitoes "like" this.
Dear single guys; open a pet shop selling cats. Let the single ladies come to you.