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I don`t know what`s scarier. Houses with Halloween decorations or houses that still have up Christmas decorations from last year.
Things I hate about work: 1. Waking up 2. Humans 3. Working
You know its bad when you feel like your life is being directed by Quentin Tarantino.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I`ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Cashier: Would you like your milk in a bag? Me: No, let`s just keep it in the carton, ok?
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like `Stabbyrabbit` or `Weaponrat`
I’ve got bad news: Today is not Friday, Tomorrow is not Friday, Even the day after tomorrow is not Friday.
The older I get, the more I sympathize with Squidward`s anger.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won`t tell you what they`re wearing.
My mother said, "You won`t amount to anything because you procrastinate." I said, "Oh ya.....Just you wait."
it`s friday o clock
Know what this salad needs? A Big Mac.
Men are usually too focused on the cleavage in the shirt to notice the crazy in the eyes.
A man asks a trainer in a gym - "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?" Trainer replies - "use the ATM"
A guy had his whole left side torn off, the doctor said he`s all right.