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The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won`t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game and I`ll play mine.
You`d think my boss would know me by now and stop asking me everyday if I`ve been drinking.
Adding "just sayin" to a smart-a$$ed comment makes you even more of an a$$hole. Just sayin
People all around the world are out doing interesting and productive things right now. You are reading this.
NEWS FLASH: Man arrested for having sex with a tree.....Police confirm he had wood!!!
Moms birthday is next week. I can’t find a card that says “I wish you loved me more than vodka.”
I try to find the good in every situation. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
You`re the reason why I believe in condoms.
If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.
Keep reaching for the stars but please get a better deodorant.
I like confusing kids by telling them I`m older than the internet
As I got older my six-pack turn into a keg.
I hate long distance relationships. That`s why I moved the fridge into my bedroom.
Billion dollar idea: Make a prescription drug that gets rid of the side effects of all the other prescription drugs.
Does this floor I’m laying on make me look unmotivated?