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If I go sleep at 6 in the morning, does it mean I go to sleep early or late?
The worst part about looking for a job is if you`re successful, you end up with a job.
Watching someone else play a video game is like watching someone who won`t let you join in while they`re masturbating.
The average fight between men lasts 3 minutes. The average fight between women lasts 17 years.
If I truly posted what was on my mind ... I´d most likely be in a psychiatric hospital right now.
Coffee is nature’s way of saying “Go ahead, get drunk on a weeknight, I got your back!”
Alcohol. Because who really wants to remember last night?
Relationship status: If I slam on my brakes really hard... The seatbelt hugs me back.
"Just Be yourself" is something I rarely hear from people who know me well.
People complain about auto-correct but it is helpful 99% of the titties.
Today I noticed that the cover of my ironing board was wrinkled, and I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because of the word "irony."
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Ignoring things don`t make them go away, it makes them drunk dial you.
Whether a Vacuum is on or off, it`s always collecting dust.
If you love something, set it free. Maybe not dogs with rabies though. Or killer bees or pretty much any domesticated animal into the wild. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don`t love anything.