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Thinking about starting a line of realistic welcome mats with things like "Please don`t stay long!" or "I hope you brought booze."
Girls are like guitars: easy to strum, hard to tune
I don`t have the blood alcohol level to deal with you
Pretty cool how the internet lets you stay connected with people you haven`t seen in years and silently judge them on a daily basis.
MAN LAW 101: No man should ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.
I don`t remember anything that happened, but I may have had a drink or two...
Show me a bunch of people with type A personalities, and I`ll show you a control group.
Why haven’t we just found someone ballsy enough to dress up as Mrs Bigfoot and catch him already?
Oh cool! ... I really do not care.
Before coffee: Hates everybody. After coffee: Feels good about hating everybody.
Why does using a straw make it so much harder to admit there’s no more soda?
Girlfriend: No, you hang up... Me: (click)
What`s the point of blurring out the middle finger on TV, like oh you`ve fooled me, what`s behind that blur? Is it a monkey? A pencil?
My mind is like "LETS DO THIS SH!T" but my body is like "calm down motherf*cker"
The best part of an argument is the make up sex...unless you`re fighting with your brother.